Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
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The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
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He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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