1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
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