They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
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I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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