we have pet lesbian snakes
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
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I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
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He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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