i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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