there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
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ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
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Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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