Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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