Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
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I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
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Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
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