turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
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I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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