Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
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I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
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He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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