he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
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she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
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We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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