i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
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i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
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pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
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