new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
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Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
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He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize