I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize