there's paper in my vomit.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
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Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
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Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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