i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
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Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
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My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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