I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
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I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
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Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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