She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
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i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
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She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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