I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
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The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
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Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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