I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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