How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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