Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
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Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
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I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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