i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
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Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
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Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
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