turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
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I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
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I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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