Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
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i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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