I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
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