when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
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Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
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So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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