Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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