I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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