When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
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Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
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The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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