I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
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My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
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I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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