I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
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She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
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Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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