No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
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My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
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I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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