The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
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She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
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Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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