so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
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I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
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i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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