decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
tequila makes me forget i have legs
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now Heβs Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Good news!! I can adult!! π turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ππ
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