It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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