Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
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When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
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oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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