it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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