My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
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4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
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Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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