i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
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My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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