fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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