im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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