he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
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I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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