so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
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I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
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If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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