Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
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The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
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Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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