my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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