just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
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At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
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I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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