do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
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We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
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I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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