if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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